I was writing in my journal, analyzing a situation that should have been a good thing – a small, but deeply heartfelt success – when I realized the emotions taking their toll were actually more negative than I expected. Why? Because my inner critic showed up, ready to bring me down by pointing out everything wrong or missing. For the first time, I mindfully detached myself from the story in my head, and it was then I realized I have a deeply ingrained mechanism that kicks in whenever a new opportunity arises: self-sabotage.
“It’s a strange human phenomenon that we so often
Oscar Wilde
destroy the things we need the most.”
Initially skeptical, I took the time to explore it. What I uncovered was that if, in any way, I were to take on a different direction than the familiar one, a switch in my brain would trigger an alert state: “You can’t handle this, why bother?” Once I caught myself halfway through this scenario, I tried to follow the story as an observer to my own thoughts. My mind was so used to this pattern that it didn’t need much time to create a plot in which I was not good enough. All that remained was for me to believe it and act accordingly – to “just give up.”
I discovered this was a fascinating subject that needed a deeper look.
The only truth: Your brain wants to keep you safe, at all costs
Safe, however, doesn’t always mean what’s good for you. Self-sabotage is nothing more than a defense mechanism your brain developed that now seems to be working “against you.” Our brains naturally want to feel protected and avoid taking risks that could result in failure or major discomfort. Paradoxically, this sometimes works against what we actually want to achieve. This built-in programming helped our ancestors survive by staying away from danger and keeping their resources secure. In today’s world, however, this same instinct becomes a hidden barrier, keeping us stuck in old routines and patterns even when we want to grow and succeed.
We’re all familiar with this concept – the comfort zone is a trap we all fall into, no matter how enlightened we claim to be. It’s our brain’s most common response because the brain loves to know what to expect. It’s a space where stress is low and everything feels manageable and familiar. This explains why we sometimes make choices that seem to work against our own interests, like turning down promotions, avoiding important conversations, or giving up on projects right as they begin to succeed. We can’t truly fight our primary instincts; they’re there to keep us safe and can be helpful at times. What we can do is be aware of them and choose differently when the situation allows.
Next: You didn’t learn to acknowledge your triumphs
Let’s go back to my example. I admit I didn’t take any time to appreciate the opportunity, besides thanking the person who provided me with it. I didn’t cheer my win, tap myself on the shoulder, or be vocal about this success. Nor did I share it with a friend with pride. I did tell my closest ones, but with such humility and timidity that it didn’t sound like a big deal. And who else is going to make it a big deal if not me?
On the surface, being humble is a great quality, but if I don’t allow myself to feel satisfied with the shot I’ve got and be genuinely happy for myself, who will? Everyone is busy enough with their own lives to pay close attention to our little wins, and that’s perfectly fine. What we all need to learn is to find a subtle balance between keeping our heads down and expressing joy when we have a reason to. There’s no need to get obsessed over it, but there’s also no need to neglect it. The brain learns by repetition. The story we tell ourselves unfolds with our choices of who the main character is and what is within their power. So if we take time to validate even the smallest victories, we’ll become more sensitive to them in the future.
You’re the master of your own demise
What happens when we mistreat our victories and write them off as “simply the next good thing”? Unintentionally, we create the building blocks of our own downfall. How does it work? We take for granted everything we achieve. It may not feel big at first; it may even feel like we’re just being mindful and aware of our progress. We prefer not to “play it big” and state everything that goes right, just so we don’t jinx it. Or maybe because we’re so sick of people pretending and showing off that we’ve totally rejected this form of self-appreciation. But slowly we fall into the trap of categorizing everything as if it’s “part of the game.” Nothing feels “big enough” to cheer for. No milestone is “hard enough” to proudly state we’ve reached it. We start to diminish our own achievements, always striving for more, always ready for the next big thing. We never stop to let it all sink in – to realize how much we’ve accomplished. We never take the time to celebrate our wins. Ultimately, we never intentionally focus on everything that went right. I think it’s a pattern we all recognize.
“The greatest enemy will be found within.”
Julius Caesar
Perfectionism: Our brain loves problems (a little too much)
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ve probably designed a “never stop improving” mindset. No matter the cost, you’ll probably tend to focus only on what’s there to enhance or polish. You notice even the smallest details. Nothing is ever finished, because it’s not perfect. There’s always room to improve, and a person (you) to blame for the faulty or flawed execution. The inner critic thrives on that dynamic – a perfectionist who can never reach their ultimate vision of the world.
Essentially, our brain is programmed to search for problems and tasks to solve. It’s like a machine that needs to always work to resolve issues. It doesn’t need a break, or at least that’s what it thinks. It’s like we have this giant “To Do” list and we sprint through the tasks, checking the work as “done” and never going back to appreciate the good results. There are only two important things: 1. Success and 2. What’s next? However, we don’t operate with only our head; our brain is not the only organ in our bodies. Neither is our body designed to never stop doing.
But let’s pause and ask: What exactly is perfect? Does such a thing truly exist in the world? And if it does – who sets the standard for it? We often strive for a flawless ideal without stopping to question if it’s even achievable.
Perfectionists also have a deeply ingrained fear of not succeeding, as it would expose their incapability. They cannot accept defeat, so it’s easier to never try. In their concept of themselves – they never make mistakes, so any task that might reveal their weakness is consciously and unconsciously avoided. We’ll touch on the “Fear of failure” concept more in a separate article.
Final trigger: Comparison
As if not appreciating your own success is not enough, you also (subconsciously) decide to research how other people are doing. You start comparing yourself with them. You find a reason to feel down and not satisfied. Even if the person has much more experience in the same field, or more degrees, or whatever. You decide to see that person as “The Role Model” – the only one who has it all figured out, with all the abilities and a perfect track record – and demolish all your achievements because they are no good in comparison with that idol. Even though the truth is far from that, this story starts to depict you as a victim. In a way, this is the best role for the inner critic that thinks nothing you ever do is good enough. And that’s the reason you’re self-sabotaging – because nothing ever will be. It screams: “You can’t handle it. You’re simply no good. Leave it to the best ones.”
Eventually, it all leads to our favorite Imposter Sindrome
This is the final Boss we struggle to beat. Even if we somehow find a way to clear all other obstacles, there comes that little voice in your head that simply persuades you to admit defeat. As a result, it creates a psychological trap that is particularly cruel as it transforms success into anxiety: each achievement feels like a lucky accident, every promotion like an administrative error, and any recognition feels like evidence that you’ve successfully deceived everyone around you.
The imposter syndrome paradox is one of the most counterintuitive forms of self-sabotage, where people ignore positive feedback and evidence of their abilities. Instead, they choose to believe their internal negative narrative. Even when they achieve success and others recognize their talents, they trust their own self-judgment over the consistent feedback from their environment. They doubt their skills while being completely certain they’re incompetent and very far from what’s even acceptable and adequate.
Journal Prompts
The Brain as a Protector
- What’s a specific instance where your brain’s “safety first” instinct kept you from doing something good for you?
- How can you tell the difference between a protective instinct and a self-sabotaging one?
- What’s one small action you can take this week to push past a comfort zone boundary?
Acknowledging Triumphs
- Name a recent win you downplayed. Write down three reasons you should have celebrated it instead.
- Why do you find it hard to be proud of your own achievements?
- What is one concrete way you can celebrate your next victory, no matter how small?
Perfectionism and Comparison
- When did your “inner perfectionist” last stop you from finishing something?
- What story do you tell yourself when you compare your life to someone else’s?
- Identify the core belief behind your “imposter syndrome” and find one piece of evidence that disproves it.
