Why is Everyone So Scared of Going to Therapy?

The short answer: 

“We are not willing to do the work.”

Here’s the long answer:

No, it’s not because we don’t think we might need help – that’s just the ego’s first response. Nor is it because of the stigma around therapy, or the feeling “I can’t be that bad.” (the prejudice response). It’s not even just about therapy being too expensive, and time-consuming; or because it’s too hard to find the right therapist; how difficult it is to navigate overall (though those are valid challenges). The truth is, all of these obstacles can be overcome if we’re truly willing to do the work.

If we’re ready to face our own shadows – and yes, they exist. And that’s okay because we’re human. We will be ready when we are sick and tired of an unfulfilling life, drained of energy, stuck in unhealthy relationships, shallow conversations, and most essentially, feeling like a connection within is missing. When we’re finally ready to take this giant step toward our own growth and self-development, excuses and resistance lose their grip. Because we’ve simply had enough.

Why do I think we’re not willing to do the work?

Because it’s difficult, complicated, and often frustrating. It’s also extremely uncomfortable. And what has the world we live in taught us best? To stay in our comfort zone. We can have everything we want or need the minute we think about it. We’re hungry? We have access to fast food everywhere, food delivery is a tap away, and ready-to-go packed meals in every supermarket. You name it. We’re sad? Here comes the savior: fast dopamine: Scrolling through social media, playing video games, binge-watching TV shows, getting lost in the endless TikTok loop, drinking alcohol, using substances, and so on. We’re used to instant gratification and an immediate response to everything. 

Well, therapy isn’t like that

At first, it’s mostly discomfort, or at least – not to scare you too much – it feels neutral. There’s no reassuring pat on the shoulder telling you how well you’re doing from day one, nowhere to hide in low moments (like a cool social media post), and no one to fakely support your bad decisions (we all have those “friends” who actually aren’t on our side). Because you’re still walking on eggshells around your ever-so-broken pieces.

And this isn’t some poetic, melancholic view that I have; it’s the simple truth: we’ve all been hurt. We’re all carrying childhood wounds, scars left by parents or by life events that shaped us. It’s all part of the “deal” of being alive. We’ve all been broken in some way, and now we’re trying to collect our scattered pieces and figure out the puzzle of life. I say this with the warmest heart because I’ve seen the beauty of this process. The strength it gave me to realize it’s exclusively within my power to take responsibility for putting my pieces back together, in the most tender way possible. So I can create the change that will withstand. So I can live a fulfilling, honest and free life – one that’s joyful at times, challenging at others, but I always stay grounded in knowing I have the power to face it all. No matter what, I’m aware of my own resources to handle anything.

Why a therapist isn’t your friend (and never should be)

Let’s talk about what I call “the friends bias.” Think of a close friendship you have, one where you feel secure and connected. You’re willing to share your truest self, and you’ve shared many lovely moments and tough times together. Over the years, this person has developed an idea of who you are, based on the parts of your life they’ve been a part of. You probably had some incredible time together, as well as some challenging situations to prove where your relationship stands in time. However, no matter how long you’ve known them or how much you’ve shared, your friends have their own perception of you. This view is based on the things they value, what they pay attention to. The experience you’ve had together shapes a perception and creates the personality traits they’ve come to expect from you. The truth is, they don’t know all of you, and they never could – that’s a different subject altogether.

My point is that this non-verbal and subconscious idea your friends have of you starts to impact your communication with them. They might even say things like, “You’re not like that,” or “Don’t you actually prefer this?” With time, this feeling makes you fit into a certain box when you’re together. You develop a specific way of interacting with each friend or group, showing a personality that works in that setting. It goes both ways, too. Just as you’ve been molded into a certain shape, they have also fitted into a role that best fits for you. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Our brains are wired to put things into boxes, grouping certain qualities and using them as needed for each role we play in society – daughter, parent, husband, friend, etc. The problem is that these self-created limitations can hold you back from genuine growth.

“The friends bias” can keep us from expanding. It’s called a bias for a reason: it prevents us from seeing or doing something new. I’m not saying every person close to us is like this, but ask yourself honestly: “Is there anyone in my life who will accept with zero judgment, with care and humility, with an open heart – whoever I am fully, whatever ‘wrong’ I might have done, or whatever secret I share with them – and still look at me the same way?” And even if you have a name pop up in your head, can they actually help you grow and flourish into the best version of yourself? Are they going to be your guides in this journey? Aren’t life coaches and mentors for that? 

My point is, we can’t put expectations and pressure on our friends to be everything for us. It’s not their duty, and it’s not fair to them. Friends are there for emotional support, for the fun times, and for everything in between. But they’re not there to be our teachers or saviors, especially for more advanced and sustainable psychological growth. And that’s why, on the other hand, there is therapy, where every bias falls short. Every stigma around you can be erased and your story can be rewritten. But only if you allow yourself.

A colorful, but fulfilling journey of ups and downs

I’m not implying you should abandon your friends, or stop relying on them, not at all. Just pick your battles more wisely. I love my friends deeply, but I’ve learned through the therapeutic process that they can’t actually help with the real deal, and it’s never been their responsibility to. Once I allowed myself to let go of the stigma that therapy is for the sick, that it can’t be that bad, etc., I finally allowed myself to find professional help. I quickly released so many of the burdens I put on my friends to deal with the ‘extra’ emotional, ‘extra’ damaged parts of me, just because I knew nothing on how to use my inner resources and strength to process certain situations.

I dove into the process with trust and an open heart to teach myself how to deal with life, how to deal with my own demons, and how to stay in the same room with them without falling apart. We all have our shadow sides; I don’t think they ever go away completely. However, there’s a way to learn how to handle them, how to react (or wait before reacting) when they’re triggered. So now I have the most nourishing relationships. The more authentic and honest I started to be with myself, the more it reflected my way of communicating. The more I started to value deep and open communication and feel safe in my emotional responses and being myself completely, the more real and wholesome my companionships became.

Therapy creates a safe space for the soul to heal

After two years of therapy and the most life-changing moments I’ve had, I’ve come to realize that there was nothing wrong with me; I was just a little bit lost. And finding yourself is a journey that might take a while. A good therapist makes room for you to truly see, accept, and rebuild yourself. 

At first, it’s a space for unfiltered expression. A space to break down completely, to let all your emotions and experiences out – the good, the bad, the ugly. In this space you’re allowed to be everything and feel all the nuances. You’re allowed to cry your heart out, to scream, or even to punch a pillow if you choose. Step by step, you release whatever has been holding you back. It’s the space where you meet your darkest parts, and get to the lowest point. It’s where you confront what you fear and sometimes what you hate the most, only to realize that it’s all inside of you. You start breaking down the perception of what “perfect” looks like and release that enigma, because no one is perfect. And perfection is a limitation. All those steps towards revealing the hidden, broken, and missing parts of you, the ones you thought were you, finally lead you to realize who you are not. Then it becomes a space to grow, to learn, to challenge yourself. And finally, it evolves as the space to thrive.

Becoming the healthiest, happiest version of you is so nourishing. It starts as a harsh and very dark path, but it continues by breaking down all the limitations that prevent your soul from deeply connecting, your heart – from fully feeling, your body – from truly expressing. The next step is accepting yourself, accepting you deserve to feel happy and free. Life becomes lighter. You find your long-lost friend – Joy. Inspiration accompanies you daily. The smile on your face is brighter, the soul feels free, your heart opens up to the world with endless trust. 

Journal Prompts

Friends and Expectations

• Do I consider my friends as an “all-in-one” deal?
• Do I expect them to be there for me at all costs, no matter how badly I treat them when I’m at my lowest?
• How much burden do I put on them, and how many expectations do I have?

Therapy and Fear

• What do I truly think about therapy?
• What is my honest, raw opinion about people who go to therapy?
• Would I want to give it a try? What scares me the most if I do?

Inner World and Growth

• How do I currently deal with inner conflicts?
• What’s my view on my own personality? Do I strive for perfection?
• Do I have an inner critic I try to please?
• Where do I find the resources to grow and change in order to accomplish my biggest desires in life?